Misery

I don't even know what i don't know :c /sigh/ my life is now in a misery where i feel like giving up on everything that i'm doing right now. Everything seems so wrong right now. I can't focus my study and i don't even know what am i studying -_- I had a long day today; class till 5pm and i have test tomorrow which i haven't studied anything yet. /playing oceans by coldplay/ /crying for the melody/ /sigh/ what should i do? I just had a test yesterday and i'm going to have another one tomorrow. There are so many assignments to be submitted within these few weeks and i am not strong enough to face all of these in a time. Been crying in the shower for nothing because i'm so in misery. Feeling so stressed out but i couldn't figure out why am i acting like this. I feel like giving up on myself, slowly giving up on everything. The studies are getting harder, of course, and i'm too stupid to take a test or quiz or anything. Even though I had study for that one particular subject before the class starts, I still could't understand what the lecturer is teaching about. /sigh/ I need a short vacation or road trip with friends, seriously. And then i saw this quotes on twitter/instagram (i can't remember) it somehow relates to my situation right. But it's not all of the problem. Its just one of it.

"To be honest, i often feel lonely. Is that bad? I mean, sure I have all my friends and family who dearly love me and all but sometimes, I just feel like I want more than that you know. I want to have a deeper relationship with somebody. It's crazy to think about really, if you ask me. I can't help but feel terrible. Sometimes I even find myself get jealous with my friends who have relationships. I ask myself, "what the hell is wrong with you?" Maybe i just really yearn for that kind of romantic affection. I keep looking for that person i can be sweet and cute with. It's stupid, i know. I even feel stupid. But what the heck. I'm only human. I'm allowed to feel these things, right?"

So yea, still trying to figure out what's going on with me and what i'm having on my mind right now. Just gotta study now because i have a test tomorrow. Till then.

Let go & let God

I just had my calculus test this evening. It was bad, really. Can't think of anything right now :( I was about to give up to this course, but then yea a successful person of course, has its ups and downs along the way. Positively thinking, i still can improve in the future and i hope so.

So yea, the picture says it all. What i'm going to write today is about a story of a guy who once made my life happy. But i couldn't go any further with him. You guys might say that i'm a pathetic girl, talking about love and guys all the way in the blog but yea, this is my blog and you can't do anything about that xD You know, when you feel like there is no one there, (well there is, actually) and then you just have your own blog where you can write all of your thoughts together, well it somehow relieves me. I can let it all out here, at least.

Here's how the story goes like; this guy, i had a relationship with him for like, one and a half year? Can't really remember. It was like 3 years ago. I don't like calling him as my ex boyfriend you know like, he's not my ex, he's just not the right guy, he's just not my fate, and whats not. So yea this guy was like the most special amongst the rest. I spent a lot of time putting a lot of patience in myself for the sake of this guy and yea we broke up in like, the nicest way for a couple to break up lol. We are still contacting each other now, but not too often. But, we contact as if we are friends, really, normal friends. Flashbacks? Yep, we do that sometimes. Not making it too obvious, because i am afraid if there might be silent readers among my friends, i'd be dead for sure lol.

He said that he would wait for me cause he knows that I worth his waits. But that was 3 years ago, a long time ago. I am not very sure of what is his feeling right now, but i hope the words are still in his mind. Not hoping too much, but i'm pretty sure that he's a one hell loyal guy. Ever since we broke up, he never had any other girl after me.(well it was base on what i saw on ig, twitter and etc.) That made me think of the words he once spoke to me and it sounds like what most of the guy would say, he loves me the most and etc. We tried a few times to like, get along together, again but he was too afraid that the mistakes he once did, would repeat again and again. In other words, he didn't want me to get sick of him and hate him even more than before. As a girl, who doesn't want to be back in a relationship with the guy that you put most efforts and time into? Yes, I would of course, want him back in my arms, even if it is for the second time. Slowly, we are now putting back the broken hearts together and hoping for a better future. Not hoping too much from him, but if he's my fate, never in a million years would it be for someone else, right? Have faith, dear self.

I am too sleepy to proceed more about this guy because i got class at 8am tomorrow and it is 1am now!! Gotta hit the sack now, Assalamualaikum :)

The end

"Good to know that you're happy now :)"

Never thought of how that single line could give a really big impact on me. Ouch, it hurts, really :( And yes, there's a story behind that single line.

So i had to let go of everything you know, like every single thing. (holding on my tears) I don't know macam nak menyesal ke tak actually. But yea, nak menyesal pun macam dah tak ada guna. (i am playing it girl by jason derulo) (holding on tears again) ahhhhhhhhhhhh it really is, hard to let go of everything. You know, when a person gave you so much memories and then yes of course, you guys did spend most of the time together. Bertenang ok dear self, gwenchana gwenchana (wiping off my tears)

Heart breaks after another. It'll heal, soon. Can someone tell me how do i delete all the memories in my phone? *cries* 80% of my photos were the pictures of us ahahahaha yes. But then, i had to delete all the pictures because i'm a person who always goes through the photo gallery for nothing, really. So i deleted 700+ photos of us. It was hard *cries again* but then, i didn't delete our conversation on whats app and imessage haha! Like, sama je kan? My friends semua macam marah tau sebab they can guess that i will look through the conv again and again. Eh biar la! hahaha. It takes time, really.

He's happy now with someone else and i hope nothing but the best for both of them. (aww so sweet of me) At first, mula macam nak dendam tau macam eh kau tak sayang aku dah ke macam eh perempuan tu apa lebihnya dari aku macam eh aku sepuluh juta kali ganda lagi lawa kot and whats not. Anyhow anyway, macam tak ada guna je nak keep all of those thoughts in mind. Dunia ni kan ibarat roda, sooner or later, the same thing will happen to us jugak kan. So yea, then i let go la all of the thoughts. I macam, takpe la doakan je la terbaik for both of them. I, myself also have the pros and cons. Maybe she has something that i don't have. Maybe she's nicer than me maybe this maybe that. So, I, as a matured girl, (not a woman yet ok) i let go of everything. Who knows, if Allah swt nak tunjuk something yang kita tak nampak ke kan. I macam, dia dah bahagia pun so macam nak dengki pun, dia dah ada someone. I? I tunggu je la anyone nak masuk line haha sounds so pathetic! I am not that pathetic ok. So yeah, that was a bit of my thought. I don't know to tell who so i decided to let out everything in the blog. Esok ada test calculus, adios!